Not where you thought you’d be in your 30s? Our members share why there’s no need to panic and six tips to get you back on track.

Buying your first home, finding a partner, or having your dream career may be some of the goals that you’d like to achieve by the age of 30. But as milestone birthdays approach, what should be a time for celebration can also be a catalyst for great pressure if you feel like life isn’t going the way you’d hoped.

As celebrities such as Kendall Jenner, Dua Lipa and Gigi Hadid are set to turn 30 this year, our therapists share why there’s no need to panic if you’re not where you thought you would be in life, and how talking to a professional may help.

The “vision” of 30

Registered therapist Ragini Jha, whose clients largely consist of women aged between 20 and 30, says the "vision" of what 30 is supposed to look like is a major concern for many of her clients. “I often see people worrying about finding a partner, buying a home, and achieving the appearance of success before they’re 30 – which is sometimes more important to them than actually feeling or being successful,” shares Ragini.  

Accredited therapist Ashley Duncan agrees that anxiety about not being where they 'should' be in life is common amongst this age group - which can lead to low mood, difficulties in relationships, and a sense of deep dissatisfaction with life. Registered therapist Brieanne Doyle, who specialises in perfectionism and women's health issues, adds that she often sees people trying to follow a plan to “avoid any kind of failure”.

The impact of social media

All three of our therapists agree the additional pressure to achieve a particular life goal by a certain age is heavily impacted by social media. “We see influencers talking about milestones like buying their first home before 25. But people forget it's not realistic to hit these goals in your 20s, and that there are several socio-economic factors that impact this,” explains Ragini.

It appears that the stats support this too as our data shows that around a third (32%) of therapists say they have seen an increase in clients coming to them for support with social media pressure over the past year[1].

“Social media is a constant comparison and a never-ending cycle of consumption and perfectionism,” adds Brieanne. “It can make a lot of people feel like they aren't measuring up or doing as well as others.”

A symbolic deadline

“The age of 30 has become a symbolic deadline largely due to cultural messaging and media portrayals,” explains Ragini. “We've inherited these expectations of what life ‘should look like’ despite living in a drastically different world with longer lifespans and more diverse life paths.”

Brieanne says she’s increasingly seeing people in their late 20s finding it hard to accept where they are in life but says this is partly due to wider societal forces and pressures - such as the economy, post-COVID, and a generation that came of age during smart phones. “It’s also due to this generation having success come easily to them. Many people I see haven’t experienced 'safe' failure before, so all prospects of failure feel overwhelming and terrifying,” she adds.

How to live the life you want

If you’ve hit a milestone birthday but feel like your life isn’t ‘on track’, here’s our therapists’ top six tips to help:

  1. Explore your feelings

“When a client says they aren't happy with their life, it's time to help them come to understand what they’re actually upset about,” says Brieanne. “Is it about not achieving a certain goal, 'letting down' their family, or not 'keeping up' with friends? Or are they truly dissatisfied with their current reality?”

“It’s also worth thinking about which expectations are really yours versus the ones inherited from culture or society,” adds Ragini.

  1. Assess your social circles

“Surround yourself with people who share your values and live different types of lives,” suggests Ragini. “This will help you see that there isn't just one path.”

Ashley suggests widening your search for role models and mentors. “It can be tempting to look only to those who've achieved the things we feel we should achieve, but it’s worth considering what you might you be able to learn from those who've made different choices about career, relationships, and family?”

  1. Take action

“The idea of accepting the things we can't change and being courageous about the things we can, can be really empowering,” shares Ashley. “Taking meaningful action is a useful antidote to anxiety. Working towards small, achievable goals increases our sense of agency and stability.” 

Ragini agrees and says to look for smaller versions of things you might like to do. "Rather than focusing on the imagined alternative, ask yourself: what specific aspects am I craving? Is it more autonomy? Deeper connections? A greater challenge? This clarity helps you take targeted action within your current context,” explains Ragini.

  1. Practice gratitude

“Practicing gratitude and appreciation can have a powerful impact on our outlook,” says Ashley. “Develop a daily practice of scribbling down three good things you do have in your life, rather than ruminating on the things you might feel are lacking.”

  1. Do more of what brings you joy

Brieanne says to think about the things in your life that bring you joy and do more of them. “This can be as simple as watching more films, reading more books, going for longer runs, having more coffee with friends,” says Brieanne.

  1. Ditch the social media comparisons

“The curated, filtered world of media and social media presents a distorted, aspirational image of reality,” shares Ashley. “If we consume a lot of it, our real life - filled with setbacks and imperfections and mistakes - may well end up feeling a bit shabby and dull in contrast.” Ashley suggests investing our time and energy into real relationships with other people who are facing their own setbacks, imperfections and mistakes.

“I check in with my 20s and 30s clients regularly about their social media consumption. Sometimes it's essential to place restrictions and limits on use when feeling unfulfilled or unhappy,” says Brieanne.  

To find a registered therapist who can support you visit BACP’s therapist directory at www.bacp.co.uk

References

[1] https://www.bacp.co.uk/about-us/about-bacp/bacp-mindometer-2024/