Being a mum can be the best job in the world but it can also sometimes feel overwhelming and isolating, especially when your children are very young.

To celebrate Mother’s Day (30 March) we asked our members for tips and advice for first time mums looking after young children.

Remember you’re new at this

Therapist Sharon Breen says:

“Kids don’t come with an instruction manual! It’s ok to make mistakes. Reward yourself for the small successes and if things aren’t working, come back to them when you feel calmer. It’s easier to problem solve when you’re less stressed.”

Sarah Wheatley, who runs Birth and Beyond a counselling service supporting parents, agrees that not knowing what to do doesn’t mean you’re a bad mum.

“It means you just don’t know what you’re doing yet. You’re maybe in the growth phase now, and that can be painful, upsetting and frustrating.

“The pressure to ‘love every moment’ is huge and can come from everywhere. Rather than feel guilty or defensive every time someone tells you this, maybe start a tally chart.

"Every time you hit five comments, do something nice for yourself - buy a coffee or have a scented bath. Congratulate yourself for overcoming yet another bit of mum judgement, however well intentioned.”

Go your own way

“Don’t get competitive or compare yourself to others – everyone is different,” says Georgina Sturmer, a counsellor who specialises in supporting women.

“It can feel as if we’re bombarded by images and stories of motherhood. Some of these can be helpful and supportive. But some of them might trigger our own underlying insecurities and fears of not being ‘good enough’.

"This is when we are reminded that comparison really is the thief of joy.” 

Don’t let social media make you feel bad

“The picture-perfect mums, kids and homes we see online can amplify our negative self-belief about ‘not being good enough’,” says Sharon.

“Try focusing on social media accounts or articles that are fun, funny or relaxing, not the ones where you compare yourself unfavourably to a carefully curated image of family life.

Helen Hazell-English, who runs Mum Therapy: Counselling for Mums and Mums to Be, agrees:

“The perfect mum is a myth. In fact, it's crucial to child development for children to experience having some disappointment and imperfectly met needs so they can develop their own character and resources.

“Don't fall into the trap of conflating the domestic load with your unique and brilliant mothering. They are different things. If you’re not a domestic goddess, it doesn't matter very much. Time spent on your relationship with yourself and your children is more important.”

Be kind to yourself

“Speak to yourself the way you would to a good friend or someone you love - gently, softly and with understanding,” says Sharon. “Kids can be hard work; giving yourself a hard time means you’re punishing yourself twice over”

Sarah says to keep in mind that your child’s wellbeing is intrinsically linked to yours:

“If you’re not doing ok, it’s harder for them to thrive. Looking after yourself benefits them too,” she adds.

Find some ‘me time’

“I’d advise nourishing your relationship with yourself,” says Helen. “Make it non-negotiable to have regular space to enjoy being yourself and continue to get to know and surprise yourself outside of motherhood.”

“Even small pockets of time are so valuable - for example laughing, reflecting, being sexual, being silly, being creative, being inspired, thinking differently, dabbling in something new, or exploring something you are drawn to.

"These all-combat stress and increase resilience and joy. You'll also be modelling to your children how to make the most of life,” she adds.

Sharon says it’s important to find time for ‘you-shaped’ things:

“Cheap and cheerful is fine as long as they help you connect to your true self and give you a break from childcare,” she adds.

Sarah says: “It’s normal to not want to be with your baby or child at times. It doesn’t mean anything about how good a mum you are.”

Ignore your inner critic

“Your inner critic may have been there a long time,” says Sharon. “Is it trying to bully you or help you avoid difficult feelings?”

“If you’d like to quieten it, imagine you have a magic remote control that allows you to turn down the volume on it or try giving it a personality and imagine putting it behind glass at the end of a long corridor.”

Helen says: “Notice times when you’re setting yourself standards that feel unreachable and get curious about where those ideals come from.

“Most of us have internalised toxic and impossible ideas of what a perfect mum is like from multiple societal sources, and because we care deeply for our children and want to do our best, we tend not to examine and challenge those standards. You'll probably find that you've swallowed some ideas whole without realising it, and that many are contradictory or don't even align with your values.”

Get help when you need it

“As a counsellor, I work with mums who often feel overwhelmed, lonely, isolated or stressed but their families, friends and partners often have no idea,” says Sharon.

“I encourage you to reach out for support as soon as you notice you’re struggling; to those around you, supportive online communities or to a counsellor. It can make all the difference!”

To find a counsellor who can help you, visit our Therapist Directory.