Christmas, it’s supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year. Yet for some parents Christmas can be the season that feels like they’re constantly refereeing between squabbling siblings.

“At this time of year families often spend more time together than they normally would, and often in the company of extended family,” says counsellor Georgina Sturmer.

“This can add extra pressure for parents. They might feel like their family is under the microscope,” she adds.

Psychotherapist Armele Philpotts agrees this time of year can be extra stressful: “Even if you don’t observe Christmas, it’s a time when children are home from school, the days are short, and we can be indoors for much longer periods.”

Our members’ tips for parents

Manage your expectations

“If your children don’t always get on with each other,” says Georgina, “Then it’s probably reasonable to expect that they might argue and bicker over the Christmas period too. It’s helpful to have realistic expectations, so that you don’t become stressed or anxious at the first sign of trouble.”

Fall outs are normal

“Real family life involves challenging periods, interspersed with periods of calm, and these are both opportunities for growth,” says Armele. “All siblings fight and argue. It’s a normal and healthy part of growing up, learning to manage disagreements and to repair relationships afterwards.” 

Counsellor Baljit Kamal agrees that bickering and rivalry are common in families: "At the root cause of this, rivalry is about perceived, or real injustice. Parents should teach problem-solving and encourage cooperation instead of competition." 

Talk openly about fairness

“Sibling jealousy and competition is common,” says Georgina, “especially when it comes to gifts or spending time together.  In some families, this can become the elephant in the room. So, it can help if we talk openly about fairness.  

“Ask your children for an honest opinion about whether they feel they’re being treated fairly. And if not, how they might suggest that you could shift the balance.”

Bal agrees that it's important to avoid favouritism and treat each child as a unique individual: "It's easy to favour one child over another. For example the child who is visiting, may receive preferential treatment in comparison to another who lives at home.

"Have a family meeting and help everyone to see the value of compromise. You might say something like, 'We’re going to have a family meeting to discuss this. We want to make sure you can resolve things and not hurt each other. We don’t want you to feel like things are unfair. How can we collectively resolve this?”

Praise the positive

Armele believes it’s important to notice and mention out loud all the things your kids get right.

“These may be small things to us, but kids are hard wired to learn and if we keep the process positive, they’ll learn more.

Baljit also suggests that parents try not to compare or label their kids. 

"You may have your own perception, but by expressing your frustration from one to another, can be more of a hindrance than a help."

Factor in your own self-care

“If you’re coping with children who don’t get on, it can add to the mental load of Christmas. As well as organising, shopping, cooking and hosting, we might be expected to become experts in conflict resolution,” says Georgina.

“This can be exhausting. And it’s important to factor in your own self-care. If you’re running on empty, then you won’t have the capacity to look after your family as well."

"A lot of expectation can be placed to connect with others over the festive break and sometimes this can place demands on parents," says Baljit, "Communicate with your family about how you intend to spend your time and set some healthy boundaries with those around you." 

Take deep breaths

Armele advises parents to attend to their feelings first when things heat up between their kids.

“Take a breath for yourself first, then say something like “Goodness, I can see you’re both cross. I think that we all need a moment to cool down on the sofa.

“It’s important to offer the same to both kids, even if one is older and ‘should know better,’ she adds.