In depth: Forgiveness in therapy
Thresholds, January 2025

Something that surprised me, while training to become an integrative psychotherapist, was that the concept of forgiveness barely featured. This is nothing new. Freud was largely silent on forgiveness in his writing, a trend followed by other influential figures in psychotherapy such as Beck and Rogers.¹

That this struck me as an omission likely reflects my Christian faith, to which the ethic of forgiveness is central. But the more I considered it, the more of a gap it seemed. Over the past 30 years, the evidence that forgiveness improves people’s mental health has proliferated.² Despite this, it remains an outlier in most psychotherapy modalities, with therapists often lacking knowledge of how to use it in counselling.^3,4 

I therefore used my MSc thesis to investigate the potential role of forgiveness in therapy. My aim was to identify what factors determine when forgiveness is beneficial for clients, and to shed light on when and how integrative therapists could use it in counselling. 

Specifically, I looked at how forgiveness could complement the core modalities of my integrative training – cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), person-centred therapy and attachment theory. The thesis was secondary research using thematic synthesis of 11 academic papers which explore the experience of therapists and clients when forgiveness is used in counselling.⁵ The papers focused on forgiving others and self-forgiveness – but not being forgiven by others, for which limited research has been undertaken.⁶ Here’s what I found out. 

1. Forgiveness is a process 

For most clients, forgiveness involves taking certain key steps. In this sense, it has been compared to the stages of grief, and often requires sustained effort rather than being a one-off event.^8,9 

While several different models of forgiveness have been developed (such as Worthington’s REACH forgiveness model and Enright’s process model),⁶ important common aspects seem to be: 

• Acknowledging the offence, either by another person or by yourself¹⁰
•  Making an active choice to forgive. This, in turn, is influenced by the realisation of the harm caused by unforgiveness¹¹
• Identifying and expressing difficult emotions, particularly anger¹²
• Making a cognitive shift, particularly showing increased empathy – for others and self¹⁵
• Getting the timing right. More time spent on forgiving tends to help the process, while some clients find that the more time has passed since the hurt, the easier it is to forgive.⁴ 

2. Client context matters 

Forgiveness has been found to be helpful for a wide range of client problems related to interpersonal hurts. In fact, compared with alternative interventions, it is found to be more effective as the hurt in question gets more severe.³ 

However, a client’s internal and external worlds shape their experience of the forgiveness process. Internally, a client’s level of self-esteem affects their capacity to forgive, with positive self-esteem making it easier, and high levels of self-criticism impeding it.^11,13 Research also shows that clients with anxious or avoidant attachment styles find it harder to forgive, likely due to rumination (anxious attachment) and lack of empathy (avoidant attachment).¹⁸ 

Externally, how an offender or victim has behaved towards a client is also important. When forgiving others, it tends to be easier if an offender has expressed remorse first.⁸ Self-forgiveness is often helped by the victim first granting the client forgiveness for the hurt they caused.¹¹ 

Finally, a client’s sociocultural worldview is relevant. When it comes to religion, the extent of a client’s religious commitment does not seem to influence their desire to talk about forgiveness.¹⁴ Within the process, however, religious belief and spirituality can have an impact in varying ways. For some clients, it can be a helpful resource; for others, it can impede genuine forgiveness if it places them under pressure to forgive before they are ready.^8,9 

3. The therapist guides the process 

Forgiveness seems to be facilitated by a counsellor playing the role of guide. Many clients are reluctant to talk about forgiveness in therapy. The process is therefore more likely to happen when the therapist brings it into the conversation.¹⁴ 

Thresholds January 2025

One of the therapist’s roles as guide is psychoeducation.⁹ This includes addressing misconceptions about forgiveness, which often act as a block for clients.¹⁵ Common and powerful misconceptions include that forgiveness requires reconciliation with an offender, or that it means justifying or forgetting an offence.^4,16 

4. Forgiveness can do harm 

In certain situations, forgiving can be detrimental. When a client forgives too early, known as pseudo or fake forgiveness, unacknowledged emotions may cause them further problems over time.⁸ Similarly, when a client forgives under pressure, such as out of a sense of social or religious obligation, this can lead to further difficult emotions and cognitions.¹⁰ This risk extends to any pressure to forgive that the client may perceive coming from the therapist during counselling.⁹ 

These findings provide several pointers on using forgiveness in therapy. Firstly, being mindful of a client’s internal and external worlds may provide important information on how to proceed. For those struggling with low self-esteem or presenting as anxiously or avoidantly attached, it may be more beneficial to work on these presenting issues directly, before introducing forgiveness as an intervention. 

The therapist’s own relationship with forgiveness is also significant. My research identified that counsellors with greater awareness of the forgiveness process and its benefits are better placed to use it in therapy.⁹ And, where a therapist personally values forgiveness, their clients are more likely to engage.¹⁶ Counsellors interested in using forgiveness may therefore seek to increase their knowledge of the process – and be self-reflective about how their personal perspectives influence whether and how they use it. 

Finally, while the role of guide is inherently proactive, an important consideration for therapists is how to support clients through the forgiveness process without them feeling judged or advised. From an ethical standpoint, this means drawing on forgiveness in a way that balances the principles of beneficence, where it may improve the client’s wellbeing, with autonomy, so that they remain self-governing throughout.²⁰ 

Personal reflections

Now working as a therapist with individuals and couples, I have reflected on my own relationship with forgiveness and how it has evolved through this research. Prior to my thesis, I felt a personal inclination to explore forgiveness with clients (linked to my Christian faith) but held back from raising it because I was concerned it would reflect my own frame of reference and not my clients'. 

Today, I hope this research has given me a more objective view of the benefits and limits of using forgiveness in therapy, which can coexist with a view of forgiveness from my personal faith. While I am at an early stage of integrating forgiveness into my clinical work, I now feel more comfortable in when and how to raise it. As my research suggested, I see it as particularly helpful for clients who are being held back by emotions linked to specific wrongdoings, and are searching for pathways out. 

I still find myself holding back from raising forgiveness with clients, but now for different reasons. One of the most useful aspects of my research has been identifying when forgiveness may be unhelpful, or when there may be more important things to work on first. My impression of the Christian community is that there can be a reluctance to express negative emotions such as anger, and a tendency to rush to forgiveness instead, linked to expectations about Christian behaviours (which I personally relate to). In some situations, I therefore find it valuable to – temporarily at least – explore the role of unforgiveness and the expression of appropriate anger, to help address any negative consequences of premature forgiveness. 

Conclusion 

As Irvin Yalom suggests, most people seeking therapy have experienced difficulties in their interpersonal relationships.²¹ Despite this, the therapeutic benefits of forgiveness – a profoundly interpersonal intervention – are underemphasised across most therapeutic modalities. Following this research journey, I don’t see forgiveness as a silver bullet for all my clients’ interpersonal problems, and recognise it is not always the most appropriate intervention. I do, however, regard it as a useful complement to my clinical practice – and one which I hope can be better integrated into mainstream psychotherapy.