The big issue: Celebrating singlehood: the rise in staying solo by choice
Therapy Today, May 2025

I was married for 16 years but at 56 I’ve been on my own – post-divorce – for a further 16 years. In these latter years I raised my son, built a career, travelled the world, built a network of friends and for the most part have lived happily ever single.

And yet, no matter how content I have been, those rather patronising head tilts kept on coming. Oh, poor you. Still single? Are you dating? Have you met someone? Don’t worry, you’ll find someone eventually. Always the sympathetic concern, as if I were just waiting for someone to make me happy again. ‘But I am happy,’ I would insist.  

Then I went to therapy, and in the very space meant to challenge outdated narratives I found my therapist started to subtly reinforce the idea that my single status was a problem to fix. That being alone must mean loneliness and that choosing to remain single was an attachment issue to be unravelled rather than a choice to be respected. 

I soon discovered I wasn’t alone in this experience. ‘When I went to therapy I quickly realised that a lot of it just wasn’t designed for single people,’ says Nicola Slawson, journalist, author of Single: living a complete life on your own terms (Headline Home) and founder of The Single Supplement newsletter. ‘I was in a 16-week dynamic interpersonal therapy programme, and the questions assumed I had a partner. When I explained that I was single and not dating, the therapist still seemed to think that was the issue I should be working on. “I don’t have a boyfriend,” I told her, but she kept bringing up dating as if it was the natural next step.’ 

In another therapy setting Slawson had to work through exercises that seemed entirely built around people in relationships. ‘I remember thinking, “Am I supposed to talk about my mum and sister? My friends?” It just didn’t fit. Even in group therapy people would say things like, “But you’re great – why are you single?” as if there must be a hidden reason. One person even asked, “Do you think you’ve decided to be single?” as if it was some kind of psychological block rather than just how my life had evolved. I started to realise that even in spaces designed for selfreflection there was an ingrained belief that single people must either be looking for a partner or have some unresolved issue that kept them alone.’ 

After that experience Slawson became more cautious when choosing a therapist. ‘I even started putting it in my emails: “Just so you know, I’m single. I don’t want therapy that focuses on dating.” It was like I had to pre-emptively defend my single status to avoid being pushed into conversations I didn’t want. The reality is a lot of single people are content – many of us have deep social connections, fulfilling careers and rich, independent lives. But therapy, like much of society, still assumes that being in a romantic partnership is the ultimate goal.’ 

Therapy Today, May 2025

Single positivity

The therapy world needs to take note because times are changing. Singlehood is getting a much-needed rebrand, and the ‘single positivity movement’ is leading the charge to resist the ‘lonely spinster’ or ‘creepy bachelor’ tropes. It’s driven by numbers – nearly one in three households (30%) in the UK are now made up of people living alone.¹ We have seen single-person households rise by 16% between 1997 and 2017, reaching 7.7 million – a number projected to hit 10.7 million by 2039, according to the Office for National Statistics.² 

This is far from a UK phenomenon. The US Census Bureau reports that 117.9 million US adults are currently single – widowed, divorced or never married – an increase of over two million in just a year.³ In 2019 38% of US adults aged 25-54 were unpartnered, up from 29% in 1990.⁴ Meanwhile, a United Nations report highlights the increasing age at first marriage, and a growing percentage of people worldwide reaching their late 40s without ever marrying.⁵ 

Far from being lonely or unfulfilled, research is showing that single people are thriving. Studies suggest that those who remain single between the ages of 40 and 85 report increasing levels of life satisfaction.⁶ Women in particular do well when single – a meta-analysis of 10 studies (2018-2023) found that single women reported higher life satisfaction, better relationship status satisfaction, greater sexual satisfaction and a lower desire for a partner compared to single men. Researchers suggested that strong social connections outside of romance play a big role.⁷ 

Sociologist Kimberly Martinez Phillips’ 2024 study blows another hole in the tired old stereotype that single people – including single women of colour – must be lonely, sad and somehow missing out.⁸ She interviewed 40 women, aged between 36 and 61, who were single (not married, not cohabiting, not in a committed romantic relationship), had never been married and had chosen not to have kids. From various minoritised backgrounds, these women were dealing with sexism and singlism layered with the added weight of racism, but their stories weren’t full of ‘poor me’ narratives. Quite the opposite – they spoke of joy, freedom, deep friendships, financial independence and peace of mind. 

Rather than lonely, singles are creating thriving communities of like-minded people, says business coach John Williams, founder of Crazy Successful, who spent many years single and says for him singlehood was never about isolation. A key part of this was his men’s group, which has been running for over two decades. ‘We meet every two weeks and talk about everything – relationships, career struggles, existential dread, you name it,’ he says. ‘If I’m struggling emotionally I have friends who actually listen. And I was happily single.’

Now in a relationship, Williams’ approach hasn’t changed. ‘I was happy before, and I’m happy now. The difference is, I wasn’t waiting for this. I wasn’t incomplete before – there was nothing missing.’ 

Single and satisfied 

Dr Bella DePaulo, a leading expert on single life and author of Single at Heart: the power, freedom, and heart-filling joy of single life (Apollo), has spent years challenging societal assumptions about singledom. Since 2008 she has been writing the ‘Living single’ blog for Psychology Today, advocating for a perspective that sees single life as not just viable but deeply fulfilling. 

‘Because we are embracing our single lives rather than trying to escape them,’ DePaulo writes, ‘we develop strengths, skills, resources and attitudes that are less often honed by those who lead a conventionally partnered life.’ Instead of pouring time, money and emotional energy into pursuing a romantic partner and maintaining a relationship, single people invest in experiences that make their lives meaningful, she says. ‘And the best part? These experiences can never be taken away from us by a divorce or any other casualty of coupling.’ 

Far from growing lonelier with time, research shows that single people tend to become increasingly content with their lives. A 2021 study found that across the entire adult lifespan, those who were not seeking a romantic partner were especially likely to find their single lives growing more fulfilling as they aged.⁹ ‘Contrary to the stereotypes, we just keep getting happier and happier,’ DePaulo says.

But, as DePaulo points out, history has already seen many such ‘bedrock beliefs’ shattered. ‘Is it abnormal to be attracted to people of your own gender? We know better now. Is a woman’s place in the home? Oh, please. Is it only natural for women to want kids? That doesn’t seem obvious anymore.’ 

In much the same way, the idea that lifelong singlehood is a fate to be avoided may soon be another outdated myth – one that research and experience are proving wrong, one fulfilled single life at a time. 

Nicola Slawson 

Explaining the rise 

Little research has been carried out into the reasons driving the rise in singlehood. What we do know is that it isn’t just about personal choice – but rather being shaped by shifting societal habits, economic independence and changing social dynamics. Researcher Libby Bear points to the ‘profound cultural change that has occurred since the 1960s, and most notably the strengthening of individualistic values and the decline in commitment to the collective and traditional institutions’.¹⁰ It could be argued that post-COVID, individualism has been further compounded by the decline of in-person socialising, the dominance of digital entertainment, the rise of working from home and the increasing reliance on smartphones. 

In more recent times with the ubiquity of dating apps, it seems that dating itself has become a less appealing prospect, with 78% of dating app users reporting emotional exhaustion from the experience.¹¹ Instead, many are investing in friendships, careers and self-fulfilment outside of romance. 

But the key driver is likely to be economic status and the growth of financial independence – as UCLA economist Kathleen McGarry puts it: ‘When people have the financial freedom to live alone they often choose to. Instead of chasing a partner they’re investing in friendships, careers and themselves.’ 

Unhelpful tropes 

Living life as a single person is not without its challenges, but understanding those challenges requires us to look beyond the context of dating and understand how societal structures are set up to exclude them. This includes those from the LGBTQ+ community, says Jeremy Sachs, an integrative psychotherapist and author of An Intersectional Guide for Male Survivors of Sexual Abuse and their Allies: masculinity reconnected (Routledge). ‘Everything is geared towards couples, whether that is straight or queer. You go to events and you’re expected to be part of a couple. If you’re brave enough to go to a restaurant alone, you’re asked, ”Will anybody be joining you?” Even trying to book a table for one can be an issue because the option isn’t always there. The constant message from family, society and media is that you should be in a relationship by now – and if you’re not, then something must be wrong with you.’ 

He adds that some of the pressure to conform comes from within the queer community. Even queer spaces can have an internalised heteronormative expectation of relationships, he says, and choosing to be single in the queer community is often more complex than mainstream narratives suggest. ‘It’s not a homogeneous group of support. You still get, “You two have been seeing each other for 10 years, why don’t you just move in together?” One of the challenges for queer people is that they don’t grow up with a clear template for what their relationships should look like,’ he says. ‘Heteronormativity dictates that being in a couple is the default, but queer people often have to ask themselves – what do I actually want? That can be freeing but also comes with societal pressures and assumptions. 

‘For instance, gay men can be fetishised or oversexualised by straight society, and while parts of gay culture take a liberal approach to sex many others may choose to live independently or have long-term, meaningful connections that don’t fit traditional heteronormative or homonormative relationship models.’ 

‘Many queer people go through a lot of trauma through homophobia, so often that’s why we seek therapy,’ says Rosie Wilby, author of The Breakup Monologues (Green Tree). ‘Being consciously single as a queer person is not a leap, but we are more used to the dating app world because we have always had to filter our choices. We couldn’t just ask someone out on the bus.’ 

Jeremy Sachs

Solo parenthood 

Although the UK fertility rate recently dropped to an all-time low, long-term singlehood does not preclude becoming a parent.¹² While many single people are happily child free by choice, many still do desire children, and there has been a corresponding rise in solo parenthood by choice. According to Susan Golombok, Professor of Family Research and Director of the Centre for Family Research at the University of Cambridge, long-term singlehood is part of a wider evolution of family structures from donor conception and surrogacy to single parenthood by choice and same-sex parenting. In her book We Are Family: what really matters for parents and children (Scribe UK), she highlights the persistent societal biases that continue to shape people’s views on family. Despite increasing acceptance, many single parents by choice, same-sex parents and those who conceive via surrogacy or egg and sperm donation still face outdated prejudices. Her studies have shown that children raised in high-conflict marriages often fare worse than those raised in stable single-parent households. ‘What matters most for children is not the make-up of their family but their parents’ love,’ she writes. 

Mel Johnson runs a coaching platform for single mothers by choice. As a solo mother to a seven year- old, Johnson understands the societal assumptions placed on single parents, and actively challenges outdated narratives. ‘Yes, it can be difficult financially because there’s only one income, but it’s annoying to be constantly up against this idea that a child will automatically do better in a traditional two-parent set-up,’ she says. ‘People assume that solo parenting must be twice as hard, that my child will struggle because she doesn’t have a father, or that this was a second-best option for me. But the reality is, this was the best choice I could make.’ 

Johnson is passionate about breaking down biases, particularly within therapy and coaching spaces. ‘Therapists need to check their assumptions,’ she explains. ‘We’ve been raised on the narrative that happiness means finding “The One”, getting married and raising children together. But that’s just one path. The reality is, satisfaction and meaning comes from creating a life that aligns with your own values, not someone else’s expectations.’ 

For Johnson solo parenthood has been an empowering journey, one she hopes more women will feel confident exploring. ‘The best decision I ever made was choosing to become a mother on my own terms. It’s not about missing out – it’s about taking control of your own happiness.’

Shahed Ezaydi

Therapy bias 

Journalist Shahed Ezaydi, author of The Othered Woman: how white feminism harms Muslim women (Unbound), is 30, single and ‘mostly fine with it’, she says. ‘I love my independence. I have a career I care about, I make my own plans and I don’t have to compromise on what I want. But then, there are moments – small but sharp – where doubt creeps in. A dinner where I’m the only one without a plus-one. A friend casually mentioning she’s freezing her eggs. My mum dropping a comment about how she’d love grandkids.’ 

Ezaydi is considering therapy but she is hesitating. ‘Will a therapist assume that being single is my biggest problem? Will I have to perform relentless positivity or, worse, defend why I don’t have a partner? Because the truth is, it’s complicated. Some days I feel entirely at peace with it; other days I feel a pang of loneliness, a sense of missing out on something I’m not even sure I want,’ she says. 

As more people embrace singlehood and single parenthood as a valid, fulfilling lifestyle, therapists are being challenged to examine whether their training and biases align with this cultural shift. Many therapeutic models still operate under the assumption that romantic relationships are a key marker of adult wellbeing. But is this assumption inadvertently marginalising those who are consciously single? 

I spoke to some therapists in training who were willing to speak anonymously. ‘During some CPD training I got into a discussion about my single status with a therapy colleague. When I put it to them that there was nothing wrong with being single, they told me that while there’s nothing wrong with it, nobody can truly be happy single,’ said Jane.* ‘I felt alarmed but not surprised. The attitude that being single is an unnatural state or the result of some attachment wound prevails. Not all therapists hold these views, but it got me thinking about the impact of attitudes like this in the profession. If that’s what this therapist genuinely believes, then how are they sitting in the room with a single person who enters the room?’ 

Paula,* who was single when she began her therapy training, was also concerned about the unconscious bias she encountered. ‘When I first qualified as a therapist I was asked, “How can you help people with their relationship problems if you haven’t got your own relationship life sorted yet?”’ The implication was twofold: first, that being single meant her life wasn’t ‘sorted’, and second, that she couldn’t support people in relationships simply because she wasn’t in one. 

I spoke to Debbie Keenan MBACP (Snr Accred) who is single and works extensively with single clients. ‘Therapy training often frames being single as a temporary state or a problem to be solved,’ she says. ‘There’s an implicit message that fulfilment comes from finding a partner.’ 

Keenan notes that many of her single clients struggle with judgment – from family, society and sometimes even their own therapists. ‘People assume they must be lonely, unhappy or just haven’t “met the right person yet”. Even well-meaning therapists can slip into the “don’t worry, you’ll find someone” mindset, reinforcing the idea that singlehood is a temporary state rather than a fulfilling choice. 

Keenan emphasises that therapists must recognise singlehood as a valid lifestyle. ‘Therapists shouldn’t assume that everyone wants a romantic relationship. Satisfaction doesn’t hinge on coupledom or any kind of intimate, romantic partnership,’ she says.

Charlotte Fox Weber MBACP (Accred), author of What We Want (Wildfire), has also witnessed therapists pathologising singlehood, suggesting that not seeking a relationship is a form of avoidance rather than a valid life choice. ‘There’s also the risk of misinterpreting single clients as emotionally unavailable, asexual or commitment-phobic,’ she says. ‘There are often attachment theory discussions in training programmes which assume that someone who has never been in a long-term relationship must have an avoidant attachment style or unresolved childhood wounds. The idea that someone might be securely single by choice doesn’t seem to be explored as much.’ 

Fox Weber suggests checking for bias in language. ‘Instead of asking, “Are you dating anyone?” therapists could ask: “What does your social life look like?” This acknowledges relationships beyond the romantic and doesn’t imply that dating is the default goal.’ 

Keenan adds that attachment assumptions need to be reconsidered. ‘Just because someone is single doesn’t mean they have an avoidant attachment style. Secure attachment can manifest in friendships, family connections and even solitude.’ 

Reframing societal narratives is another crucial step. ‘Help clients challenge societal messages that equate success with marriage or partnership,’ says Fox Weber. ‘Many of my clients feel immense relief when they don’t have to conform to this outdated script.’ 

Keenan also highlights the importance of encouraging a broad definition of intimacy. ‘Emotional fulfilment doesn’t only come from romantic relationships. Therapists should help clients build, community ties, self-fulfilment and strong friendships.’ Last year, a Time magazine article asked ‘Is friendship therapy the next big thing in mental health?’, seemingly recognising the growing importance of platonic relationships. As friendships take on a bigger role in our emotional wellbeing, therapists might well consider incorporating friendship therapy into their services and marketing to meet this rising demand. 

It’s also important to hold in mind intersectional challenges, says Sachs. ‘Particularly in the queer community, there are often multiple intersectional challenges and societal expectations that get in the way of working out what someone authentically wants – regardless of whether they choose to be partnered, have multiple partners or choose to remain single. Therapy can be a place where they can unpack those challenges, question why some feel particularly difficult, figure out their authentic selves and get in touch with their own queer joy. He emphasises that for many the challenge of being single is about more than just external pressures – it’s about the deeper, often unconscious emotional responses to those pressures.’ 

John Williams

Build connection 

As the number of single people continues to rise, therapy training must evolve to reflect this reality. Therapists have a responsibility to examine their own biases and ensure they are supporting – not pathologising – their single clients. 

‘We need more real conversations about this,’ says Keenan. ‘More single voices in research, more representation at conferences and more therapists who recognise that singlehood isn’t a failure – it’s just one of many valid, fulfilling ways to live.’ 

Fox Weber adds, ‘Therapists are in the ideal position to be curious, open-minded and prepared to challenge outdated narratives about relationships. At the end of the day our job is to help clients live authentically – whether they’re single, partnered or somewhere in between.’ 

Therapist support 

Mel Johnson suggests group therapeutic support works well for supporting solo parents. ‘The power of group support for solo mothers by choice is undeniable,’ she says. ‘Just introducing themselves and realising there are 12 other women in the same position is enough to be life-changing.’ Many women arrive feeling isolated, battling societal assumptions that single parenthood is a second-best choice, she says. But in a room full of people making the same decision, the narrative shifts. ‘There’s this huge relief – “It’s not just me!”’ says Johnson. 

For therapists working with solo parents by choice, the biggest challenge is confronting their own unconscious biases. ‘Therapists need to recognise that solo parenthood isn’t a compromise – it’s a choice, and for many women it’s the best one they’ll ever make.’ Instead of focusing on what’s ‘missing’, the real work is helping such parents see the strength, autonomy and joy in creating a family on their own terms. 

Slawson emphasises the need to move away from centring around romantic relationships in therapy, as many clients seek support for career struggles, family dynamics, self-identity or personal growth. 

While not assuming a client’s single status is the root of their problems or reason for seeking therapy, there does need to be an acknowledgment of how the structural disadvantages facing single people, such as the cost of living, housing policies and financial instability, disproportionately affect those without a partner to share expenses. Single people are also more likely to rent – for example, a single person in full-time employment would need to borrow seven times their annual earnings to purchase the average property in the UK. ‘Single people are likely to feel less financially secure than partners without children, with fewer reporting that they have money left over at the end of the week or month,’ she says. ‘The UK Government’s report on poverty includes sections on disability, race and employment, but there’s no chapter on the correlation between poverty and relationship status,’ she says. 

The essence of good therapy is treating every client as an individual and helping them lead a more fulfilling life, whatever that may look like for them, and that still applies if they’re single. As Shahed Ezaydi puts it: ‘I know I don’t need fixing. I just want space to sit with the uncertainty – to acknowledge that I can be both happy and conflicted, that singlehood isn’t a flaw to correct but a reality to navigate.’ 

When I did end up with the right therapist, they helped me to embrace life the way it is. Sixteen years on from my divorce I’m still single, but I’m also happy – just waiting for the world to catch up.  

*Names have been changed. 

Mel Johnson