I went to couples counselling in 2017. I had just got married in September, and by October we had a huge argument that felt catastrophic. I remember the morning after the argument, and having the discussion there and then that there were two ways to go – break up or couples counselling.
The couples counsellor I contacted suggested an initial phone chat, and I remember the relief that I felt at her warmth. It was one of the very first times I felt validated about how I felt, and not judged – I felt normal. She reflected that it sounded like my husband and I communicated in different ways. Our couples sessions brought us more selfawareness, pointing to our conditions of worth that brought us together in the first place – I thought I needed looking after, and he liked looking after others. What we really needed was to be able to spend time apart as well as together. That was just the start. I continued to see the therapist as an individual for the next seven years.
It wasn’t my first experience of therapy. Around five years previously my partner and I had again reached an impasse. We were musicians and liked playing together, and I felt devastated when he had gone to an open mic night without me. I can still remember how awfully depressed I felt, and how abandoned. He encouraged me to seek support, and I got some sessions through the NHS. They gave me a place to talk about my anxiety and intrusive thoughts. The therapist normalised my experiences, helping me to realise how common intrusive thoughts were.
This has stuck with me, but the sessions didn’t look at the root cause of my relationship and self-worth issues. I believe I was emotionally parentified as a child – I was always there for the parental figures in my life, rather than the other way round. I used to tread on eggshells and lived in fear of upsetting my main caregiver. It was a huge and impossible responsibility for a child. The biggest effect on me was that I couldn’t express my own feelings without fear of upsetting somebody.
Over time it meant I barely knew what my feelings were.
My self-development journey started with that couples counselling in 2017. It was so important for me to be understood in a different way, to be finally heard and listened to, and to start identifying my emotions and how I was feeling. It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it – finally feeling not judged, and realising there wasn’t something wrong with me.
The journey continued and in 2020 I decided to start counselling training so I could help others in the same way. The training has taught me to check in with myself, label my feelings and notice where the feeling is in my body, which has in turn helped my relationship enormously. Journalling as part of the course has also helped me with my growing selfawareness and given me a wonderful coping tool.
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The personal therapy I have had as part of my training has helped me to explore my childhood in greater depth, helping me to understand how I came to believe that other people’s needs, opinions, thoughts and feelings were much more important than my own. It also showed me how I felt like I had to be perfect in order to be loved. It taught me how to put boundaries in place and how I can start to feel good enough just as I am.
In the past five years I have had two children, and I am almost a fully qualified therapist, juggling my training around my paid work. During therapy I learned that one of the reasons I was drawn to becoming a therapist was my drive to fix and rescue people, because I never got to rescue my caregivers, although I realise now that clients have to want to rescue themselves. But the magic of becoming a therapist is being able to use the empathetic listening skills I learned as a child but in a more boundaried way. The journey of becoming a therapist has healed me in more ways than I ever imagined. I love that I can bring non-judgment and empathy to my clients, and give them something that has made such a huge difference in my life.